Now that we have a bonafide pussy grabber as the leader of those weird neighbours in our basement - the old faithful’s like "No" or "I don't want to" may not be as effective when a man is persistently giving you unwanted attention. Here are a few sure fire ways to let a guy down easy.
#1: Dinosaur Theory -
We know most men like to stare; they do it for uncomfortable amounts of time! Forgive them! It's just in their nature. But the next time this happens simply do your best dinosaur impression. My favourite recommendation is a Velociraptor. Simply clutch your elbows to your sides, let your hands hang loose while flailing maniacally and opening your mouth as wide as humanely possible. Show as much uvula and tonsil as you can. Follow that with a shrill shriek. You may turn a few heads but you'll also send a clear message to this man that his advances are unwanted. Not everyone respects women but everyone respects dinosaurs!
#2: You're in a cult called "MANSLAVE" -
Let him know the only reason you have sex is to populate the organization. Ask him if he's ready to be a devoted father/give you the $40 0000 membership fee? It's important not to smile during this particular strategy and quietly mutter to yourself about "hail to the demon queen" while he's trying to talk to you.
#3: The movie "Teeth" was based on your life -
If he really seems like someone that needs a more violent edge to get the hint. Simply hand him a synopsis of the 2007 comedy horror INSTANT classic "Teeth". (I find it handy to keep the IMDB link on business cards. Kate Spade has great inside pockets for this purpose.) Let him know before you get in a relationship with anyone, you like to be upfront about the fact that your vagina has as many chompers as a Great White Shark. But you're really into warm cider and romantic walks on the beach if he's still interested.
#4: You're a Ghost -
Bring a friend or two for this one! Once the man has attempted to engage in a conversation with you, simply do not answer anything and smile into his eyes. Have your friend(s) ask him "Why are you talking to that wall?" and "Are you okay, you look like you've just seen a ghost." Have them put in some casual "I hear this place is haunted and a girl died in this very spot 50 years ago" as well. Or "I hear if you see the ghost of the girl that died here, that means she'll come to your house every night and remind you of that embarrassing thing you did in Grade 7." This will help relieve him of dreams and incite only nightmares for the rest of his life.
#5: You're in a position of power at work -
This one is very effective because the type of men that persistently accost women seem to be the ones that are also painfully intimidated by powerful women. How handy! Let him know that morning you cut the ribbon at a new hospital for sick children and fired 6 employees with families to provide for. Look at your watch a lot with this strategy and give many disapproving looks.
If you are facing troubles in your life, send your “How To” requests to Femme Cabal
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Sincerely,
Hil “How To” Howard.